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Julie ***
College: Harvard University
Television is the next best thing to being there. I’m watching the fifth game of the World SeriesㅡNew York Mets versus Boston Red Sox. Let’s go Mets!
Full count on Ray knight. Strawberry on second. Two runs in. Line drive to left field. Strawberry comes home. Conference on the mound.
Baseball’s a mental game. Watching the game, keeping my eyes glued to the screen and away from the unwritten college essay glaring at me, I can see an elaborate analogy between baseball and college admissions.
The important thing to note is the ratio of offense to defense. The only help the offense has are coaches who aren’t really in the game anyway. The defense is, of course, the admissions boards. The offense is … me.
Like both teams, I’ve been working for this time since the beginning of the season. My season has lasted twelve years. I started at five years old. Reaching this point in my career is a goal in itself. Both teams are already their individual league champions.
I have several chances. I can apply to as many schools as I wish.
Deadlines limit my time up to bat. I can get balls(acceptances from safety schools) and strikes (rejections from safety schools). In the game I am playing, there are no walks, no free bases. I may even get a hit(“yo-o-ou’re in there!”) or a strike-out(“yo-o-ou’re outta there!”).
The ball flies toward me at 100mph. I have a split second to decide: Do I hit it? I have to; I have to take every chance that comes. How hard do I hit it? To what part of the field? What is the defense expecting?
It was a ball. A strike would really have hurt my morale at this point in the game. The catcher sends signals I can’t see to the pitcher. I feel terribly alone.
The count jumps to three-two. The crowd of family and friends grows hushed. The PA system falls silent. The pitcher winds up, the bat goes back…
(At this point, the reader may choose an ending. The writer suggests choice B.)
Choice A! And I swing. Whoosh. And nothing. Nada. Rien. I missed. The pitcher jumps up and down, falling to his knees on the mound. The defensive dugout clears. A human pileup forms on the field.
I am left all alone. Maybe I can go abroad for a year, try again. The disappointed fans have gone home. The coaches are closed in their offices. I shower and get dressed. There are no pleas for autographs, no requests for interviews. The empty locker room------
(At this point, the writer breaks off. This is getting too depressing. Go to B.)
Choice B! Crack! The bat shatters. I can feel my success. I jog toward first, watching the ball head for the stars. It’s outta here!
The crowd goes wild. Ju-lie! Ju-lie! Ju-lie!
I round third, high-five with the coach. My teammates surround me. They know how I felt all along. I was never really alone.
“So, Julie, you did it! What are your thoughts right now?”
“Well, Bob, I have to tell you. It feels great. I’m sorry that anyone had to lose---“ a champagne cork explodes”------But. . . well, I’d like to thank my mom and dad and sister. . .”
Comments:
Julie’s achievement is impressive. Her style is lively and engaging. Her metaphor has an urgent but perfectly acceptable message, given the facts of college entrance. The reader learns several things to Julie’s credit: She can write vividly and well, she has a fine sense of humor, and she’s unabashedly ambitious. Well done! (SAB)
줄리의 문체는 생동감 있고 매력있는 문체입니다. 줄리의 은유에는 유머감각, 뻔뻔스러움, 야심이 담겨있는 아주 흥미로운 에세이입니다.
This is excellent. It is written well and it’s different. Using the analogy between baseball and the admissions process is sure to catch the interest (or at least the attention) of the sleepiest of admissions officers reading those hundreds of essays! (BPS)
대부분의 에세이 형식과는 다르며 글도 아주 좋고 색다른 장점이 있습니다. 야구와 admission 사이의 유추를 사용하는 것은 매년 수백 수천개의 에세이를 읽는 지겨워하는 입학사정관들의 관심을 끌 수 있습니다.
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